


seriously dude that is some homo shit right there

by saffixcherries



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bisexual Dave Strider, Dialogue-Only, F/F, Gen, In Which I Project Onto Rose, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Nonbinary Roxy Lalonde, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Strilondes, Trans Dave Strider, and also Dave, dave and rose talk about sexuality, from rose as well as dave to switch it up am i right, homestuck? in MY 2020? its more likely than you think, lesbian rose lalonde, past mentions of child abuse/neglect, strilondes talk because im a sucker for that, what else, wtf thats not already a tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-12
Updated: 2020-05-12
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:01:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24139279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saffixcherries/pseuds/saffixcherries
Summary: dave and rose talk about sexuality and childhood and how sick daves music is 2k20TG: wow dude we do have shit in commonTG: except while my bro was playing the part of the elite cool master of irony with his twisted mind games and shit your mom was playing the part of the distant spurned 50s housewife whos husband died long ago of the fever and shes never quite gotten over it so she takes to alcohol in an attempt to clear her head but it never worksTG: except they both actually had kids to look after and one ends up traumatising one because he doesnt care about him at all and just wants to model him exactly in his image and make him strong and cool but is actually just an abusive shithole who stockholm syndromes the kid into thinking hes cool and the other ends up traumatising the other one because even though she does care she also wants to model her in her image and is also just really immature and just ends up enacting strange manipulative and slightly damaging mind games with her thirteen year old kidTT: Yeah, that’s….. pretty accurate honestly.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde & Dave Strider, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam, but in the past and unrequited, davekat and rosemary are just mentioned briefly doe
Comments: 12
Kudos: 62





	seriously dude that is some homo shit right there

**Author's Note:**

> TT: Out of interest, on a completely unrelated topic, have you ever considered donating your time to a psychiatrist? Not so they can help you, but so that they can study your psyche?  
> TT: It would be fascinating. Psychologists would make years worth of progress.
> 
> this is the product of five things:  
> 1) me becoming absolutely obsessed with homestuck in the year of our lord 2020  
> 2) my only way of processing emotions being through writing fanfiction, but only being able to write dialogue  
> 3) the fact that its almost 5am and therefore i have no impulse control  
> 4) me thinking that there isnt nearly enough pesterlog fic which deals with roses issues as much as daves  
> 5) my immense love for fics where two or more of the strilondes just talk

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  
TG: rose  
TG: sis  
TG: rose  
TG: sis  
TG: sister  
TG: dearest sister of mine  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: youre nothing  
TT: You called?  
TG: oh thank fuck  
TG: i made the illest beats and karkat says theyre horrible and i need someone to show  
TG: like these beats are seriously ill  
TG: this is like great ormonds street hospital up in here  
TG: sicker than the sickest kid youve ever fucking seen  
TG: like this kid hasnt eaten in three days so hes already borderline ill but then he sees a half eaten sandwich on the couch that looks mildly like an ass  
TG: thats unrelated but it helps to paint a clear picture  
TG: a picture of plump sandwich asses  
TG: the kid sees the sandwich and eats it  
TG: but in a shocking twist hes allergic to pickles especially three days old pickles  
TG: the universe has it out for this poor kid huh i feel bad for him  
TT: I’m going to refrain from dissecting that metaphor, though it is tempting, and agree to listen to your ‘illest beats.’  
TT: Out of interest, on a completely unrelated topic, have you ever considered donating your time to a psychiatrist? Not so they can help you, but so that they can study your psyche?  
TT: It would be fascinating. Psychologists would make years worth of progress.  
TG: gonna take that as a compliment and move on  
TG: heres the link  
TG: isnt that just the sickest thing youve ever heard  
TT: Oh my god.  
TT: I may have to sit down.  
TG: rose i cant see you we are on pesterchum  
TT: Really, Dave. I couldn’t have guessed.   
TT: I’m not over that piece of music.  
TG: told you it was sick  
TG: all my stuff is sick but that was something special  
TG: dave you ask how do you consistently produce such beautifully shitty work  
TG: a beautiful steaming pile of artistic shit  
TG: well i say it just comes naturally when youre as sick as i am  
TT: Sick is….. one word for it.  
TT: Dave?  
TG: yeah sis  
TT: I’ve been thinking about things, I guess.  
TT: We were on that meteor for three years, and it passed simultaneously so quickly and so slowly. We’ve only been here on Earth C for a few months, but it feels like we’ve been here for so much longer.  
TT: At least for me, so much happened on the meteor, even if nothing concrete really did actually happen. If we’d been in say, John and Jade’s position, who would we be now?  
TG: well id still be a repressed dickbag who is ruthlessly denying his sexuality  
TG: youd still be a psychopath who ruthlessly psychoanalyses everything i say  
TG: and wed both probably be single  
TT: Have I ever apologised for my constant allusions to and almost obsession with your sexuality when you obviously knew what I was implying and still didn’t want to talk about it?  
TT: It was really dickish of me, looking back, and I think I knew that really. I should’ve respected your boundaries more.  
TG: what no rose its fine we were just like that  
TG: honestly i probably needed it as a wakeup call  
TG: i guess it is nice to have an apology though  
TG: although you didnt actually apologise  
TG: well played lalonde  
TT: I am sorry.  
TG: bro chill thats just weird now  
TG: rose lalonde? admitting she was wrong? in *my* pesterchum conversation?  
TT: Well, it should be said, purely for the sake of argument of course, that I wasn’t actually admitting I was wrong. I was simply apologising.  
TG: well played lalonde  
TG: fuck i already said that  
TT: I may have been completely right, but I should’ve been more considerate of how you felt. I mean, this stuff is hard, and I know that better than anyone.  
TT: In a way, I think constantly calling out you bullshit repressed latent homosexuality was really just a way of me reassuring myself I wasn’t alone.  
TG: yeah makes sense  
TG: i mean when i did realise i was gayer than a fucking rainbow sparkly pony shit  
TG: that wasnt a good example let me try again  
TG: gayer than the way sasuke and naruto act with each other like seriously dude that is some homo shit right there that shit pings my fucking gaydar like hell  
TG: theyve kissed like five times  
TT: Yes, Dave, carry on.  
TG: yeah when i realised my hair was straighter than i was  
TG: and let me tell you that shit gets fucking messy  
TG: the fact that you made so many implicit allusions to my gayness and called my sexuality into question so much that i basically knew you already knew and didnt care  
TG: it honestly helped  
TG: and not to mention you being out there being gay as shit with your vampire girlfriend was pretty reassuring  
TT: That means a lot.  
TG: but i guess i never really pictured that you actually struggled with it at all  
TG: idk im just self obsessed as shit like im so fucking self obsessed im that person who would make movies based on themselves  
TG: fuck didnt i actually do that in the alpha kids timeline  
TG: wow fuck  
TG: you either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain  
TG: im so self obsessed and im not even a heart player  
TG: anyway  
TT: I think I tried to be cool with it.  
TT: It wasn’t like I had anything near the sort of shit you had to deal with.  
TT: Like pardon me for saying but you were on another level of repressed dear brother. I had to watch you dance around your feelings for Karkat for three fucking years.  
TT: And even before that I constantly saw you “ironically” flirting with John when it was so obvious to anyone with a brain you were majorly flushed for him.  
TT: Did I just use the term ‘flushed’ to imply a romantic desire.  
TT: I did, didn’t I.  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: I have become the monster I swore to destroy.  
TG: hahaha  
TG: yeah i did kind of have a crush on john at one point  
TG: by which i mean from like age nine to sburb  
TG: of course i didnt know know until after on the meteor when i looked back and was like fuck but i think i did know deep down for like a year before sburb  
TG: it was stupid and pointless anyway that guy is so straight he would make the literal embodiment of heterosexuality look positively gay  
TG: john is so straight he could see two guys kissing and go ‘wow they sure are good friends’  
TG: im not kidding ive seen him do this  
TG: he saw dirkjake kiss and talked for about half an hour how nice it was they were such close friends  
TG: dirk said the words ‘my boyfriend’ and john still didnt process it  
TT: I honestly don’t think John is *really* that straight. Anyone that unobservant has got to be being willfully obtuse. Alas, that is for another time.  
TG: aw fuck im always up to mack on my bros sexualities  
TG: i may be bi as fuck now but that doesn’t mean i wont still bully him for being gay  
TG: yes im gay yes im homophobic what about it  
TT: Hahahahahaha.  
TG: go back to talking about your experiences with the devil of comp het cause we dont love that shit  
TT: I mean, I used to fool myself into thinking I liked every boy I ever had contact with, which was really only you and John.  
TT: I don’t know if it was some combination of my paternal issues and my blatant lesbianism but whatever it was, it wasn’t healthy and deep down I knew I was faking it all.  
TT: Like I would delude myself into thinking I had a crush on you or John just because I wanted to talk to you or something stupid, even though looking back I’m pretty sure I had a thing for Jade.  
TG: who didnt have a thing for jade  
TG: jade is where its at  
TG: actually im still not sure if my crush on jade was some weird form of comp het manifesting itself me trying to distract myself from my debilitating super homo crush on john or just an actual crush  
TG: probably a mix of all three really  
TT: I think I just really wanted to be attracted to boys.  
TT: Like I was fine with being attracted to girls, really.  
TT: I wasn’t raised by a homophobic parental figure, and I wasn’t surrounded by that message.  
TG: must be nice  
TT: But I think that was very surface level. Like my mother would’ve been okay with me liking girls, but only if I married a boy at the end.  
TT: She wasn’t homophobic, but she was aggressively straight.  
TT: I mean, we know Roxy. And obviously they’re nothing like that *now* but when we first met them honestly they were pretty straight. Or at least, they thought they were. Really a lot of it just stemmed from being unsure about their gender and therefore sexuality and what it even meant to like boys and girls and etc etc.  
TG: yeah kinda like how bro was homophobic as shit but dirk is actually the gayest of us all  
TT: Exactly.  
TT: So the idea was sort of that it would’ve been okay for me to be bi, I guess, but not to be a lesbian.  
TG: see that makes sense because its the act of not liking boys that was bad for you  
TT: Yes, exactly.  
TG: but for me it was the act of liking boys at all  
TG: didnt really matter if i liked girls as well the fact that i even showed any attraction to boys was gay enough for me  
TG: idk in my bros eyes and i guess mine liking men is still liking men and that was still a bad thing and it still made you gay  
TG: so the fact i probably liked girls as well didnt do anything except make me more confused about everything  
TT: Yes, see I tried to pretend I was bi so at least I’d like men, but it just wasn’t right.  
TG: yeah i get you  
TG: see i spent a lot of term thinking about sexuality and shit and honestly i thought id got it kinda all covered by the time wed been on the meteor for like six months  
TG: like the trolls were so cool with it all and id already been thinking about it so i was just like who cares fuck it im bi now in my head  
TG: and repressed actually thinking about it and what that meant haha  
TG: and for a while it was all good cause me and terezi kinda had something  
TG: and that meant i didnt have to think about being gay  
TG: it was all a-okay me being maybe gay as shit as long as i actually didnt like any boys  
TG: but then me and karkat start getting closer and im like yeah its totally normal to be like lowkey in love with your best dude me and john were like this and then i remember that im actually bi and that i had a crush on john and that liking boys is a thing i can do and im like *fuck*  
TG: and then i repress that and ignore that and cling even more onto the tiny amount of straightness i have left like a four year old child clinging to their soft toy the only thing he has in the world  
TG: his parents abandoned him his bro is an abusive asshole even though he idolises him at this moment in time he will later come to realise thats fucking stupid  
TG: this poor kid is also gay as shit dude and he just hasnt realised it yet cause hes like six but honestly i was probably really gay even at six  
TG: like theres gotta be a good reason i watched all those shitty movies john recommended it cant justve been for the plot  
TG: although of course i had nothing on john himself you know maybe he is gay he sure was obsessed with nick cage  
TG: okay i feel like that metaphor got away from me there  
TG: anyway  
TG: so then i start to actually think a bit and im like fuck maybe i do like karkat and then i hate myself a little more than i already did and im like wow dude didnt think that was possible and like suddenly all the internalised homophobia shit that i was foolish enough to think i was kind of done with comes rushing back like a flood of bad repressed gay memories and self hatred and bullshit society taught you all rushing free cause the goddamed flood gates have been opened  
TG: and im now looking back like dude chill  
TG: anyway what im saying is i get you  
TG: cause i was never really cool with my sexuality even before i realised i did like a boy  
TG: i just pretended like i was inside my head and in real life pretended i was completely straight  
TG: i guess because realising i kinda liked john was okay cause it was in the past and i wouldnt see john for like three years so i didnt have to think about it i just ignored it  
TG: and it was kind of okay realising i might like boys back when i didnt like a specific boy  
TG: but then i did  
TG: and it was like oh fuck  
TT: I completely get you.  
TT: I was fine with my pretended bisexuality because really I’d only ever properly met two boys, and that was you and John. Even that was online.  
TG: didnt you go to school  
TT: I lived in an isolated mansion in the woods with a distant alcoholic mother who seemed to barely care about me except when I fit into her weird little pretend life like she was some femme fatale fifties housewife playing her little mind games, except she wasn’t, she was a thirty something year old with a twelve year old daughter, or when she was too drunk to bother acting distant and instead sobbed all her problems to said twelve year old daughter.  
TT: Of course I didn’t go to school.  
TG: wow rose sometimes i forget your mom sucked ass  
TG: we should really talk more about shit  
TG: but that would require being emotionally open and ive gotta be honest dude im already sort of booked up with this conversation and me and karkat talking last night  
TT: Out of respect for your privacy, dear brother of mine, I shall refrain from asking exactly what you and Karkat discussed last night.  
TG: good  
TT: Only because I know you won’t tell me.  
TG: damn straight  
TG: fuck can i even use expressions like that when we are both clearly not  
TG: is the sexuality police gonna come and arrest me or some shit  
TG: dude weve got a classic case of the gay dude using the word straight thats fuckin illegal  
TG: jokes on them because actually even i dont know my sexuality  
TG: wow we are off topic get back to you and your dumb repression i cant believe you were almost as bad as me  
TT: Okay, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.  
TT: I’m not the one who to this day feels a compulsive need to add no homo to everything, ever, which just makes it all sound even more ‘homo’.  
TG: rose dude stop reading me like this  
TG: suck my dick  
TT: No thanks.  
TT: For one, as you very well know I don’t swing that way, and two, I am not a fan of incest.  
TG: oh for gods  
TT: The meteor really made me realise that I probably just did not like boys, like, at all.  
TT: It’s not like there were many of you. That’s not it. Hell, the only male addition was Karkat and fucking Gamzee. And the mayor, I guess?  
TG: i dont think anyone really knows what the mayors deal is  
TT: But you all seemed so attracted to boys?  
TT: I mean, Kanaya wasn’t, obviously.  
TT: I don’t even know what Vrisrezi’s deal is either?  
TT: Okay, the more I think about it, what I was going to say is falling apart, but I shall persevere.  
TT: Apart from that. We’d all watch movies, and you’d all be arguing over who was objectively the hottest, and someone would mention the main male character who’s always played by someone like fucking Nicolas Cage and you’d make some ‘no homo but he’s cute’ joke and it would be very transparent and it would all seem like you all found him or at least some man genuinely good looking.  
TT: And I’d be so confused because I just didn’t. Ever. I just assumed that was how it was, that even though I found girls 100x prettier and better looking and just superior in every single way, I still liked boys because why wouldn’t I? I probably just hadn’t met the right one yet.  
TT: And I never wanted to call myself a lesbian because I needed the certainty. But there isn’t really any certainty with that kind of thing.  
TT: It’s not like I could meet every man ever and be attracted to none and then finally be able to call myself a lesbian. That’s not how that works.  
TT: I think I also realised if I did also like men, the gender I was supposed to, I wouldn’t be so hung up over it, so doubtful.  
TG: yeah makes sense  
TG: i think for me it was doubly complicated because as you know by now im trans  
TG: and my bro already had a shitty enough reaction to that but really he just accepted it in the end  
TG: i think he always wanted a brother anyway  
TG: so he always called me bro and that shit used the right pronouns miraculously  
TG: probably the only halfway near decent thing hed ever done  
TG: dont think for a second it was cause he cared about me though oh no it was just cause of his blatant misogyny i think he jumped at the chance to not be raising a girl  
TG: didnt stop him from yelling shit at me though when he was pissed or during strifes lmao haha  
TT: Dave…  
TG: what slightly traumatic childhood memories suddenly coming back nah im fine im fine  
TT: We can change the subject if you want.  
TG: no i need to talk about this shit  
TG: but i always felt like i was walking on thin ice like if i did one thing wrong one thing he deemed not masculine enough id be back to being a girl in his eyes  
TG: and not just his eyes my own i guess  
TG: i may not show it but internalised homophobia and transphobia really do be affecting my ability to exist on this world without hating myself  
TG: so like. liking boys. a thing girls did. especially when i was raised by this homophobic asshole  
TG: it was just like wow  
TG: it either made me a freak of a guy as if i wasnt already freak enough or a girl which i just wasnt  
TG: and if he ever knew which im sure he suspected like i said itd be like shit on two counts because hed either see it as me being some disgusting freak  
TG:  
TG: or as me being really just a girl  
TG: i dont really know which one wouldve hurt more  
TG: i mean i can imagine  
TT: Don’t imagine.  
TG: yeah  
TG: i dont know he sucked  
TG: fuck him  
TT: Fuck him.  
TG: actually no thanks  
TG: hahahaha  
TG: your mom sucked too didnt she  
TT: Obviously not as much as your ‘guardian’. But she wasn’t the best.  
TT: She did love me, I’m sure, but in reality she fucked me up a lot, really.  
TT: She wasn’t abusive really. But sometimes I still wake up in a cold sweat for no apparent reason and I have to look out of the window to remember I’m here and not there.  
TT: God I hated that fucking mansion.  
TT: Like that sounds like such a spoiled, rich kid thing to say. Really I had so much. But I never wanted any of it. I just wanted her, really.  
TT: I don’t know. I was a kid and I deserved better, really.  
TG: yeah  
TG: i get you  
TG: i mean my bro got me all sorts of shit from the sickest turntables to a brand new laptop  
TG: didnt stop him from being shit  
TT: It was like everything she did for me was like out of some twisted narrative. Some game, some act.  
TG: like she was playing a part  
TT: Yes, exactly!  
TG: wow dude we do have shit in common  
TG: except while my bro was playing the part of the elite cool master of irony with his twisted mind games and shit your mom was playing the part of the distant spurned 50s housewife whos husband died long ago of the fever and shes never quite gotten over it so she takes to alcohol in an attempt to clear her head but it never works  
TG: except they both actually had kids to look after and one ends up traumatising one because he doesnt care about him at all and just wants to model him exactly in his image and make him strong and cool but is actually just an abusive shithole who stockholm syndromes the kid into thinking hes cool and the other ends up traumatising the other one because even though she does care she also wants to model her in her image and is also just really immature and just ends up enacting strange manipulative and slightly damaging mind games with her thirteen year old kid  
TT: Yeah, that’s….. pretty accurate honestly.  
TT: She did love me, she was just really bad at showing it, in like, any way.  
TT: And I had to be the adult for so long and I really really resented her for that.  
TT: And then I think because I never saw her again I romanatised her in my head. I made out that I was just an overdramatic thirteen year old girl who argued with her mom sometimes.  
TT: It didn’t help that literally the only people I knew were you, John and Jade, and the trolls i guess. But the trolls just had lususes, and I’m not going to pretend I understand all that, and Jade was mainly raised by a dog, and your bro was obviously not a good fucking benchmark to judge from, and John’s dad was honestly really nice even by normal standards.  
TT: My mom was the middle ground, I guess, so I just made my past self out as being far too over dramatic and decided to glamourise our relationship as far better than it actually was, when really, I don’t think she cared about me that much.  
TT: And even if she did, she was terrible at showing it. And it wasn’t my responsibility to understand and forgive everything she did because I was a child, and I can see that better now that I’m older. Because I was a child, goddamnit.  
TT: We were all kids, Dave.  
TT: We were all kids.  
TG: yeah  
TG: we really fucking were  
TG: and goddamnit no one deserved the shit we had to go through  
TG: not just us the trolls as well they were raised in a murder planet then plunged into fucking sburb  
TG: even john went through so much and hes the one who had a fucking picturesque life before the game like it was so shit for all of us everything was and fuck it was all messed up  
TG: how many times did i have to see myself dead  
TG: i swear to god no thirteen year old should ever have to see themselves dead  
TT: We were fucking ready to sacrifice ourselves to end the game at age thirteen. We went on a suicide mission. Fuck, we fucking died then went god tier.  
TT: No one should have to face their own mortality at thirteen.  
TG: resisting urge to make a joke about how i had to face my own mortality much before that  
TG: jk jk jk jk  
TG: no i get you  
TG: it fucking sucked  
TG: so much  
TG: im so fucking glad its all over  
TT: Earth C might not be perfect but god at least we can hope the new generation of thirteen year olds are never gonna have to play Sburb.  
TG: or go through anything like the shit we did even before sburb  
TG: at least we can fucking hope  
TT: Yeah, and hoping is all we can do, really.  
TT: I may be a Seer but I can’t see the future right now.  
TG: unrelated but do you realise how good your class is for bad pick up lines  
TG: i may not be a seer but i can definitely See us together  
TG: want me to predict the future? cause all i can See is you  
TG: i must be a seer cause i can See me in your pants  
TT: That’s quite enough for today. Why don’t you go practice these on Karkat.  
TG: i was going to say fuck you but that sounds fun actually  
TG: see ya sis  
TT: Goodbye dear brother of mine.  
TG: god youre so pretentious its so fucking funny  
TG: see ya  


turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]  


**Author's Note:**

> this is what dave made rose listen to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f7lVFoEdYhA
> 
> also ayyyyy thanks for reading im sorry for the characters probably being horrendously ooc!! please leave kudos or even better a comment if you liked it cause like it makes my day bro <3 <3


End file.
